Red Heel Monkey Shelter Opens Its Doors to Public

by Benny Hathaway (MAV) After years of giving refuge to stray sock monkeys, the Red Heel Monkey Shelter is opening its doors to the public. Visitors can now catch a glimpse of this endangered species of indigenous American fanciful animal.

Prominent in the middle decades of the 20th Century, the Red Heel Sock Monkey was widely adopted by many American households, who enjoyed the creatures' thrifty, economical nature. Made from two Rockford red heel socks & whatever stuffing was handy, the Red Heel Monkey provided the children of rural midwestern and southern families with a cheap and charming companion.

Reggie and Loretta, keepers of the Red Heel, were at a loss to explain why they started the shelter in the first place. "We both had sock monkeys as children. I don't exactly remember why we decided to get another one. This was years ago. So we got one. We were nice to it. We put up with its demanding behavior," explained Reggie. "Pretty soon more started showing up, looking for a place to live! Before we knew it, we were vastly outnumbered."

At last count, the official population of the Red Heel is 129, with more coming in every couple of munce. [Reggie Notes: Munce is monkey terminology for an indefinite but lengthy period of time.

The Peanut Gallery has bunches of monkey photos. Celebrity shots, action shots, & portraits are available for your amusement and edification.

GB’s Stuff Store will eventually provide souveniers to fans of the Red Heel. I asked GB when the store would be ready to open, he said, “GB is still doing inventory. Peoples will be able to come to GB’s store soon. GB’s customers should be patient! It will be worth the wait! Meantime, what do you got that I can take?”

Current plans are for The Monkey Ape Vine to be updated on a monthly basis, although the message board will pretty much be a day-to-day concern, providing that GB’s Internet Service (which is notoriously unreliable) is working. Peoples interested in receiving regular updates can do so by subscribing. We will contact you via e-mail whenever there is an update here at the Red Heel Monkey Shelter.

Here's what some residents have to say about life in the Red Heel!

MRS. TIFFANY’S RECIPLEASES
by Mrs. Tiffany

Hello! Welcome to Mrs. Tiffany’s Recipleases! These meals are designed by one of the finest cooks in the world -- ME! It is very sad for me, being such a good cook, because mean old Reggie and Loretta will not let me prepare meals in my own kitchen! OOH! GRANDMA! It makes me so mad I have to go post about it on the message board!

OK, I posted on the message board and I feel better now. Seeing as how I cannot make my favorite recipleases any more, I am offering them to readers of the Monkey Ape Vine so that at least someone can bask in the glory of my cooking expertise! For my first column I am going to share one of my very favorite reciplease of all time -- Pistacio-Ato Alfredo!

In order to make Pistacio-Ato Alfredo, you need the following ingredients!

A few small potatoes
One jar of alfredo sauce
A bag of red pistachios
Some seasoning (I like cinammon!)
One bottle of wine.

Procedure: Place potatoes in a bowl. Pour in the jar of alfredo sauce. The more the better! Then, carefully shell a bunch of pistachio nuts. Throw away the yucky green center. Toss the yummy red part into the bowl until you can hardly see the white of the alfredo sauce anymore! Sprinkle on seasoning (I like cinammon!) to taste! While you are doing this, make sure you take lots of drinks from your bottle of wine!

While you are putting all the ingredients in a bowl and drinking from your bottle of wine, you should sing a little song! The song goes like this!

SPORTS

Bolan's Celebrity Bowloff

Tonight on Bowlin’ with Bolan (with Bolan James Junior), Bolan gets in a celebrity bowloff with internationally famous rock & roll star, The Question Monk! Bolan is eager to get back to bowlin’, following last week’s surprising upset by troublesome Pierre Mon Frere. The Monkey Ape Vine has discovered that Pierre’s victory was actually rigged by his "partnair in zee troubble", Phillipe L’Onion, who was hiding in the back of the alley and knocking down Pierre’s pins with a big stick.

The Ape Vine caught up with bowler as he headed towards Bolan’s Bowlin’ Alley. “I am so sorry to all my fans who had to watch me get beat last week and to then find out someone had cheated at bowlin'! I don’t feel like they cheated me, I feel like they cheated bowlin’! Which makes me mad. Be sure Bolan’s lookin’ to win one for bowlin’ this week!”

"I love Bowlin’ with Bolan, babay!" Hollered the Question Monk, when questioned about his upcoming match. "Him and me’s corns on a cob, babay! He loves rollin' rocks, and I love rockin' rolls! We gonna play the Hollywood Bowl, babay! Go insane on the lanes! WOO!”

The Question Monk has recorded a new version of the Bowlin' with Bolan (with Bolan James Junior) theme song that will play over the credits to tonight's program. Phillipe L'Onion was sent to jail (again!), this time for frame framing, but Pierre Mon Frere is still at large. He claims he had no knowledge of L'Onion's actions. "I theenk he do eet for zee gloraiy of zee mothair country! Hoh! Hoh! Hoh! Hoh!" Said Mon Frere.

Bolan James Junior

The Question Monk?

MONKEY OF THE ISSUE

Li’l Dinah

After a daring rescue from the Asheville Antique Mall (“They left me there for munce!”) Li’l Dinah has been making noise in the Red Heel Shelter for quite some time now.

Li’l Dinah is part of the species of sock monkey known as a comfort monkey. She lives on the couch in Monkey City, where she takes her occupation as occasional pillow very seriously. Comfort monkeys are renowned and desirable among monkey preservationists for their plushness of physique and constant desire to be held. Li’l Dinah is especially fond of Loretta, and prefers to have little to do with Reggie, whom she refers to as “poop”.

“Ah don’t just call him 'Poop',” Li’l Dinah explains. “Ah call him ‘Mah friend poop’, so it’s all right.”

While most monkeys fear & hate the washing machine because of a horrific, back hole causing accident a few munce back, Li’l Dinah loves to hop in there from time to time, especially when her li’l dress gets a li’l dirty.

“Ah love the washin’ machine!” Yelled Li’l Dinah. “Ah get in there, and when ah come out, ah am freakin’ beautiful! It’s lahk ah just come out of the spa!”

A major blow to Li’l Dinah’s life came in May, when Buffy the Vampire Slayer broadcast its final show.

“Ah was so sad when Buffy was over!” Said Li’l Dinah, getting emotional. “Buffy was so cool because everyone on the show was so funny and cool, and because there were monsters getting their butts kicked! When it was over . . . ah’ll admit it . . . ah cried.”

Since Buffy’s retirement, Li’l Dinah has devoted herself to the game of Slug Bug. Li’l Dinah plays Slug Bug every chance she gets with her best friend and constant companion, Samantha Brown. Samantha Brown and Li’l Dinah like to hop in the car every chance they get, and keep their eyes peeled for VW Beetles of all types, makes, and ages, each of which are worth different numbers of points. For a more detailed list of the slug bug rules, readers are directed to the Red Heel Message Board.

“Slug Bug is the greatest game ever invented because if you see a slug bug you get to hit somebody and they can’t hit you back!” Enthused Dinah. “And if you see all the slug bugs and they never see any slug bugs, then they can never hit you!”

One of the highlights of Li’l Dinah’s year was getting to have her photo taken with former Pavement front man Steve Malkmus. “Ah loved getting to meet Steve Mickymouse! Ah think that Asphault was a great band!”

Other than Samantha Brown and Loretta, Li’l Dinah has li’l patience for any other monkeys or people. She generally tolerates those with less status, as long as they don’t get on her couch. She holds out special spite for that most regal class of sock monkey, the Bed Monkey.

“Ah get to do everything a bed monkey gets to do, which is lay around in luxury, except ah don’t get kicked off of mah couch at the end of the day! Bed monkeys think they are so big, but that just drives me crazy! Couch monkeys are the coolest!”

Mama Roux Helps Predict Your Future
by Mama Roux

Hello all you monkey chiles out there on the internet! Is Mama Roux here, psychic sock monkey, coming onto the Monkey Ape Vine to be telling to you about the future of you and me! Mama is ver’ happy to be sharing her special gift with all of you --she see the future and catch the special vibrationalities from her toaster to tomorrow, which Mama sit on.

Sometimes Mama’s toaster get taken away from her when peoples want to do something stupid, like make the toast. But Mama try to be patient, because when the peoples come to make the toast, Mama already knew they were going to do it, because she see it ina vision! But Mama sometimes forget she see things in the visions. Mama see the future great, but sometimes she have trouble remembering the present. Is just one of the troubles the psychic sock monkey have. When you are so busy seeing the future, it sometimes hard to tell the difference between what is happen and what is going to happen. And FORGET about remembering what happened! That is too hard!

Anyway, Mama look carefully into the future and she have some things to tell you that you should pay attention to. But since there are so many of you, Mama have to talk to you individual on the Message Board. The vibrationalities work much betterly when you ask Mama the question. Just go to the message board and find the “Mama Roux tells you the future” thread.

As usual, Mama have prediction that always come true: Some things change for better, some things change for worse, and some things stay same, chile.

Most lastly and importantly, Mama Roux predicts you come back to the Red Heel and have more fun with the sock monkeys again!

MOFFIE’S POETRY CORNER

Why I’m Nervous
by Moffie

I do not like the purple cow
he scares me half to death!
He lives behind the field
and he has the purple breath!
The Goops are knocking on my door,
the Hoob-A-Joob’s not on the floor.
He wasn’t there again today,
oh how I wish he’d go away!

thank you great Gellett Burgess -- Love Moffie!

THANKS FOR READING THE MONKEY APE VINE!

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